Is Love an Action or a Feeling? Understanding What Real Love Looks Like

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Love is both, but the part that lasts is the action.

Love might begin as a feeling, but it stays alive through what we do. Saying “I love you” matters, but it’s the consistent and intentional choices; listening, showing up, forgiving, and supporting; that make those words real. In other words, love starts in the heart, but it’s proven by action.

Love as a Feeling: The Spark That Starts It

When we first fall in love, it’s often an emotion; excitement, connection, and attraction. These feelings are powerful and important. They create the bond that draws two people together.

But emotions are naturally inconsistent. Feelings fluctuate with stress, mood, and circumstance. That’s why even the healthiest relationships can have days where love feels distant, and yet the love is still there. Research from relationship scientists, Sue Johnson and John Gottman shows that love is more than an emotion, it’s a set of consistent, intentional behaviors that build secure bonds and long-term connection. Both the Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) model and the Gottman Method emphasize that lasting relationships grow through actions like emotional responsiveness, repair after conflict, and turning toward one another’s needs.

Love as an Action: The Foundation of Real Connection

When love becomes action, it moves from being about how we feel to how we show up.

• Love as action looks like:
  
  • Choosing patience when it would be easier to react
    
    • Gottman calls this self-soothing — pausing before reacting keeps conflict constructive and preserves respect.
  •  Listening to understand, not to win
    
    • EFT teaches that empathic listening creates emotional attunement, helping partners feel seen and secure.
  • Offering kindness even when you’re tired
    
    • Gottman’s research shows that “small things often” — small daily gestures of care — are what predict relationship longevity.
  • Following through on promises
    
    • In EFT, this demonstrates responsiveness — the action of being dependable and emotionally available.  
  • Repairing after conflict instead of avoiding it
    
    • Successful couples use repair attempts, a Gottman concept that restores connection and keeps negativity from taking root.

These actions build emotional safety; the trust and reliability that allow love to deepen over time. They form the foundation of what Johnson calls secure attachment or the experience of knowing, “You are there for me.” When partners act with consistency, empathy, and follow-through, words like “I love you” become more than sentiment — they become lived truth.

Why This Distinction Matters

When love is only a feeling, it can fade with frustration, resentment, or change. When love becomes a practice through communication, empathy, and care, it can grow even during hard seasons.

That’s why understanding love as an action is so important in therapy. Many people come to counseling asking, “Why don’t I feel loved anymore?” Often, the answer isn’t that love disappeared; it’s that it stopped being expressed through action.

Therapy helps bridge that gap by teaching couples and individuals how to translate care, respect, and affection into consistent behavior.

How to Keep Love Alive Through Action

Even small, intentional efforts can change the tone of a relationship. Here are a few ways to keep love active:

1. Check in daily. A simple “How are you really doing today?” shows care.
   
   
2. Show appreciation. Gratitude turns ordinary moments into connection.
   
   
3. Be present. Put away distractions when you’re with someone you love.
   
   
4. Repair quickly. Conflict doesn’t end love; avoidance does.
   
   
5. Be consistent. Love is built on the trust that your actions will match your words.
   
   

Love in action doesn’t need to be grand; it just needs to be steady. Small things, done often, are what build closeness and trust.

(Explore these ideas more in our related post: How to Show Love Daily)

When Love Feels Missing

If you’re questioning whether your relationship still holds love, it may not mean the love is gone. It may mean the actions that once expressed it have faded.

In therapy, we often find that both partners still care deeply — they’ve just forgotten how to reach one another. Drawing on evidence-based approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method, our therapists at Atium Health help couples and individuals rebuild connection by learning the language of love through action: consistent presence, compassion in moments of tension, and open, repair-oriented communication.

When love is practiced instead of just felt, connection begins to return — slowly, steadily, and genuinely.

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The Bottom Line

Love may begin as a feeling, but it endures through action; through showing up, listening, forgiving, and growing. Feelings fluctuate; actions anchor us. When we treat love as something we do, it becomes less about perfection and more about presence.

If you’re in a place where you’re questioning what love looks like; or if your relationship feels uncertain, talking with a therapist can help you untangle what’s real and what’s reactive. Understanding how love is expressed can be the first step toward rebuilding trust, connection, or clarity in your relationship.

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References: 

Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.

Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Three Rivers Press.

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Johnson, S. M. (2007). “The Contribution of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.” Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 37(1), 47–52. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10879-006-9034-9

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Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2001). “Bids and Turning Toward in Gottman Method Couple Therapy.” In Research & Practice in Couple Therapy. Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-49425-8_183

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